Dear People With Whom I Share the Northway,
I hope this letter finds you well. I write to bring to your attention a pattern of behavior that has become quite troubling. I shall explain myself using with an example of comparison. ‘A leaf falls from a tree.’ Common or Uncommon? “Common”, I hear you say. Excellent. Try this one. ‘A unicorn walks into a self-service car wash for a quick spray down.’ Common or Uncommon? “Uncommon”, you reply with a dry chortle. Here’s a tricky one. ‘A car gets pulled over on the Northway.’ Common or Uncommon? Tough one, I know, so I’ll answer for you: Common. Here’s another fact you might not be aware of: there are cars behind you on the Northway. Slowing down to inspect a presumed lawbreaker like you were just made a Junior Trooper for a Day dusting for prints at a murder scene has a cascade effect. By all means move to the next lane and measure your speed to ensure the safety of the officer and those around you, but when you slowdown to a crawl you force the vehicles behind you to match your crawl. This in turn births more Junior Troopers for a Day who are compelled to quality control the crime scene for something you might have missed. This causes a huge delay on a road built for unimpeded travel. You can see the problem, yes?
And I understand the flashing lights are a distraction in and of themselves. Popping, vibrant colors crafted to capture your attention are hard to ignore; so much like the pretty, shining objects around us in our youth when the world was fresh and full of potential. You must resist these sirens of illumination. Stare at them too long and you risk falling into a cycle of reminisces and self-reflection over how you have spent the days since your youth. The Northway is no place for leisurely pondering what went wrong in your life. I know this because it is exactly what I do while I try to figure out why everyone is moving so damn slow…
* Found the above photo on several meme pages. No idea who made it. Sorry, person who made it. I tried to give you credit.