That one time The Golden Girls fought H.P. Lovecraft.

Fan fiction idea. Crossover. The Golden Girls head to Innsmouth, MA after learning that Rose’s childhood friend, Jessica Fletcher, went missing while investigating a series of odd murders. 

 

There they discover mayhem, murder, and eldritch horrors while Dorothy reconnects with an old flame who may know more about the missing Jessica than he lets on. Finally, the plucky friends locate the kidnapped Jessica who is minutes away from becoming the latest sacrifice to the Deep Ones who lurk below the waves. 

 

Outnumbered and quickly succumbing to the dark magic of the town, the group appears doomed until a sleek black car smashes through the old church wall. Adorned with a single red light sliding back and forth like a demon’s eye searching for souls, the vehicle plows through the cultists. 

 

 

Coming to a screeching stop in front of the shocked crowd, out steps Micheal Knight. In rush the police, Sophia rushes to Michael, and the day and world are saved.

Somewhere in the multiverse this was a made for television special, and it was glorious.

 

Rest Stop - Horror flash fiction

I freely admit my vision was rounded by fatigue and my thinking muddled with the distance I had traveled that night, but there are things under heaven and earth whose form and being can cut to the soul of a man despite, or perhaps because of, his clouded perceptions. I steered my vehicle into the rest stop seeking respite from the road and to flex my aching limbs when my dimmed senses told me mine was the only car present. A not-so-uncommon occurrence, as any practiced traveler of rural New York byways will confess, but for some reason there was an odd discomfort at this discovery. I brought my vehicle to a stop and proceeded to exit. No sooner had I opened my door when the uneasiness suddenly increased. (With hindsight, I now place the strange discomfort in the realm of an ancient danger sense; a forgotten attribute from a time when man was vulnerable to threats beyond those of tooth and claw.) I wish I could blame my not fleeing on a tired mind, but honesty compels me to confess my pride would not allow me to act like a frightened child in a dark hallway. And so, I stepped out. The lights struck me first. They seemed to be casting only half their potential, but the shadows around me were full and sharp. Even the size of the restrooms seemed diminished somehow. It was as if the light was passing through something foreign it was unaccustomed to.

This is stupid, I chided myself. Stop it!

However, when the sound of the passing traffic fell upon my ears for the first time after taking several steps I felt real fear. The noise should have seemed only a few dozen yards away. Instead is sounded miles in the distance. I was instantly seized with a horrid sense of isolation. Not merely of being alone, but of being beyond reach. 

Run! Flee! Flew through my mind as impulses without words. I stepped back toward my vehicle when motion caught my eye. I looked around never halting my retreat, frantic to find the unseen source, but saw nothing. Only when I felt the cool comfort of ordinary metal behind me did I turn. And thus, nearly died. For when I turned I met the gaze of a creature perched upon the roof of my car! Its dark thick-ridged body moved with small ripples from under what I think was skin. The worst of it was not the three legs it squatted upon, nor even the two-clawed pseudopodia that darted and swayed toward my face. 

It was its eyes.

They shone with a dull bluish glow. They were almost square and set far apart as the singular feature of its broad, rounded head. They were fixed. They were intelligent. They saw me. 

I screamed a guttural terror so great it felt my head would not contain it. The creature watched unmoved for an eternal instant before suddenly flowing up into the air without any visible means. As my eyes followed the apparition upwards a second sight sent me reeling. Indeed, it was this subsequent image that filled me as I sped away forever from that cursed spot, for when my thoughts are not staring into those glowing eyes they are fixed upon a night sky with two moons.

The Teeny Tiny Monster Who was Almost Too Small (with audio)

Enjoy this bit of Dr. Seuss meets H.P. Lovecraft as we slide into the Halloween season. I suggest reading the piece before listening to how I imagined it so your own interpretation has a chance to exist for comparison sake, but you be you.

Let's begin.

They flapped and they twitched and they crawled and they shambled,

They slithered and they dug and they ran and they scrambled.

Out of basements and pits and from under small beds,

Out of tombs and of caves and from out troubled heads.

It was called The Tide of All Horrors in the days before writing,

A monster army marching fast under moon’s pallid lighting.

The chattering horde traveled as one to gather at Court,

Their Lord had called to them a command no power could thwart.

A time of accounting had once more come again,

The Throne wished to behold Its kingdom without end.

“Tell me of the world, and of Man, and the things Man cannot see.

Tell me of your frights, your gifts, and of the horrors to be.”

To their Caesar each gave a piece to the puzzle of His land,

All spoke in a manner that only He could understand.

The final ghoul had gibbered when their Lord suddenly roared,

“There is one who has not yet come forward from the depths of my horde!”

Walls thick as suffering flinched from the anger in his word,

Once proud legions cowered low turning horde into herd.

…the silent fear of millions pleased That Which Sits Upon the Blood Throne…

“I obey, oh Terrible Sovereign who sits above all!”

“Please spare me your rage for I was merely crossing your Hall.”

Arachnids to zombies searched for the source of the sound,

All hunted upwards and sideways and then toward the ground.

Under gorgons, around hooves, and through fungus covered wings,

Moved a piece of a wisp of a sliver of a thing.

The King looked down upon this new denizen of night,

“Tell us, small terror, of your gifts and of your might.”

“I have none, oh Bloody Lord, as you know quite well.

My name will never be carved with the Honored of Hell.”

“So slight that I am, I fall far from any sight.

I have not great jaws for the flesh to bite.”

“The doors of homes, I cannot rend.

The wills of minds, I cannot bend.”

“Faith in Heaven I cannot uproot.

This monstrous existence I do not suit!”

Their mighty Lord howled at the small one’s word,

Lo! To His anger, His laughter was worse to be heard!

“You moved unseen by predators built for night.

You moved unheard by lurkers who stalk without sight

“Your words betray a fast and nimble mind.

So why have you left your gifts unrefined?”

“I, whose name means death to Angel and Elder God,

Want to know why you treat your existence as a fraud.”

The Great Rending Thing’s glare bore down upon the speck,

A weight like dirt and stone and darkness fell hard upon its neck.

“I… I… listen and obey, my Wise and Noble King.

Find bounty in bane for my true self to bring.”

The Little Thing waited. It did not move. No Thing moved.

…the fear of the Little Thing pleased That Which Sits Upon the Blood Throne…

The chattering horde traveled as one to scatter from Court,

Their Lord dispelled them with a command no power could thwart.

Alone, It settled into dream realms of terror after its little talk,

Moving easily as only the ruler of Cain’s children can walk.

It will sleep and plan and plot for centuries or more,

But Lo! What is that silent wisp creeping under its closed door?

“Your words were true but only to build a better beast to whip.

Sowing seeds is dangerous, my Lord, as your aim may err and slip.”

“So sleep, oh precious Lord, in your far and airy places.

Grow I shall before pushing sharp knives into your soft places.”

It was teeny and tiny as a monster could be,

But It never NEVER forgot that a MONSTER it be.